New Laws Proposed for 2009

I just had a conversation with a spy at Republican Headquarters, who told me the following bills are going to e passed in next year's legislative session.*

-The Ethics committee will continue to meat in private, and still consist of four Democratic Legislators and four Republican Legislators. It will meet at an undisclosed location, and the Democratic members will only get half a vote.

-There will be a big change to Utah's liquor laws. The definition of "alcohol" will be change to include coffee.

-The Deseret News, with their obvious liberal bias, will no longer be allowed to call itself a newspaper. "Deseret Liberal Rag" will still publish the Church News, however.

-Cities will only be allowed to house the State Capitol or a Broadway-style theater, not both. And, Sandy's theater will be paid for by a special tax on people named Ralph, Peter, or Rocky.

-Income tax will be reduced by another half a percent. The budget shortfall will be made up by a user fee on Oxygen. Vouchers wil be given for people who want to buy private oxygen.

-Eliminating a level of bureaucracy, teachers will be paid in food stamps.

-Our two-party system will change. The party of Governor Huntsman will now be known as the "Jesus/Regan" party. The party of Nancy Pelosi will be known as the "Satan's Scumbuckets Party." The Constitution and Libertarian parties will cease to exist. The Green party will be reinstituted and given a voting voucher to help them steal votes from the Satan's Scumbuckets Party.

-Lobbyists will not be allowed to give any gift with a value of under $100. Jazz tickets shall be considered separate gifts (i.e. two Jazz tickets = two gifts)

-Any woman who runs for office must, by law, be as hot as Sarah Palin. Unless her name is Tina.

-Facing bankrupcy, the Legislature buys The Gateway and renames it the Orrin Regan Mall. This purchase is subsidized by a user fee on voting in Salt Lake County (outside of Sandy/Draper) and Park City.

-In addition to pledging allegiance to the American flag, school children will also be forced to pledge allegiance to the Seal of the State of Utah, and recite the Declaration of Independence, Gettysburg Address, Regan's second inaugural address, the Ten commandments, and Twelve Articles of Faith. Every school day.

-The LDS Chuch, by law, will have to drop the 11th Article of Faith.

-Bob

*(This is satire)