Super Tuesday Facts from the Onion

Yeah, I know I'm a day late and a dollar short with this, but I thought you might enjoy.

From the Onion, so it must be true:

The History

* Historically, Super Tuesday falls on a Friday.
* As always, Super Tuesday will fall the day after Overhyped Build-Up Monday and the day before Giant Letdown Wednesday, which precedes Remember All That Stuff Last Tuesday? Thursday.
* Super Tuesday was upgraded to Super-Duper Tuesday in 2008 when a number of state governments decided to pay only 39 cents more.
* While originally only eight states were scheduled to hold their primaries on Super Tuesday, everyone agreed that didn't seem quite super enough, so they threw in an extra few shitty states.
* New Hampshire came under fire in 2004 for trying to sneak in a second primary amidst the Super Tuesday hoopla.

The Size

* This Super Tuesday is supposed to be the largest to date, with an astounding 57 states holding primaries and an additional 39 holding caucuses.
* Some critics see the primacy of the Super Tuesday primaries as a negative influence on the electoral process, saying that as Super Tuesday has grown, it has drawn disproportionate influence away from the only two relevant states in the nation, New Hampshire and Iowa.
* Because of the Writers Guild Strike, instead of the raucous ceremony that usually accompanies Super Tuesday, representatives from each state will calmly walk up to the podium, announce their state's victor, and then quietly sit back down.
* In Alaska Super Tuesday coincides with Hey, What About Alaska? Day.
* Hillary Clinton shocked the political world by calling first dibs and no backsies on all 24 Super Tuesday states, the first time this has been attempted since William Howard Taft tried it in 1912.
* The consolidating effect of Super Tuesday allows everyone to get the whole presidential election process over and done with in time for Valentine's Day.

The Impact

* Depending on the outcome of Super Tuesday, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg will either announce that he's running for president as a third-party candidate or that he's passing a law requiring all New Yorkers to get mandatory monthly cholesterol checks.
* Gives disproportionate advantage to candidates able to canvass 28 states simultaneously.
* On this Super Tuesday, it is conceivable that a lady might win.