Well, have no fear. Comedy Central's Indecision 2008 blog is here to help you get that pardon. Just click here and fill out the form and you, too, can get your own pardon.
I just received mine today:
I, George W. Bush, President of these United States of the Americas, pursuant to that pardon power thingy conferred upon me by Article II, Section 2, of that Constitution I keep hearing people go on about, have granted and by these presents do grant a full, free, and absolute pardon unto Robert Dayle Aagard — or as I like to call him, Captain Cake — for the crime of medium rare treason.
The aforementioned — not to mention the beforementioned — shall not be subject to any punishment for this crime, including imprisonment in a medium security prison, tar and feathering or waterboarding. Well, maybe a little bit of waterboarding, but just for fun, ya know? Heh heh.
Being The Decider in Chief, I have hereby used my Decidering powers to declare that Robert Dayle Aagard is a faithful devotee of Mormonism and is, as such, a good and God-fearing citizen of this great nation. To punish this person would almost certainly become a regular talking point on liberal blogs.
In witness whereof, I have hereunto set my hand today, on January 14, in the year of our Lord 2009 — which I totally cannot believe is actually here, and I still haven't gotten my hovercraft — and of the Independence of the United States of America.
George W. Bush